Don’t compromise on life just to exist.

What kind of world is it that we live in?  Why have people accepted a certain way of living which harms their emotional wellbeing? There are so many questions unanswered and I can only wonder why.

Why is it that instead of trying to deal with a problem people start pondering about the problem and its negative effects and get so engulfed in it that they forget that they haven’t found the answer yet. Somehow they feel it’s better to be prepared for the negative than fight for the positive. One of the best example is a situation when we try to work at the wrong relationship knowing that it the problem itself, forgetting that the answer to the problem is not the same as accepting and settling with the problem.

Please stop accepting the negative and settling down with it because.. well.. “that’s life!” .. I beg to differ.

NO! Life isn’t about compromising and settling down? It is much more than that. It is about being happy and choosing love over hatred, uplifting others and choosing yourself! That is what we should do. That’s is what we were created to do. So go out and help someone in need or just hug someone you love and tell them that they are loved. Choose happiness. Choose love.

I want to be the change..

In this world of budding hatred, I want to be a blossomed flower spreading love.
Where people are put to shame and prosecuted for their faith, soul and identity; I want to ameliorate life and cradle hope for their future.
Where there are tears of sorrow and desolation I want to be that laugh which makes them forget what those tears were for.
For a downtrodden soul which has been broken too many times I want to be that hope which binds the broken dreams all over again and makes a completely revived masterpiece.
I want to give all my time to someone who has none. I want to be free from the bounds of the society.
I want to portray the real beauty where fictitious beauty is given more credibility.
I want to be the change in the lives of those who still hold fast to their hopelessness.
I want to restore the faith in humanity where it has been destroyed in the name of principles.
This is all I want and that’s all I need to be that change.

Happiness should only be real and not a surface emotion.

There are days when you wake up tired, depressed or lost.
Why does that happen? I know I’m not the only one. I know that we are supposed to turn it around. Recently I was having a conversation with mentor and she told me what I’m going to tell you.

“It’s okayto feel all those emotions and there is nothing wrong in feeling so, why the pressure of feeling happy, all the time?”

I’ve always been the kind of dwell on every thought that makes no sense because the kind of person I am.. I want to make sense out of everything. So whenever I can’t find any reason for a certain emotion I dig deeper. Being well aware of myself and my emotions are a major part of my personality.

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I was wondering why do we have this pressure of being happy at all time? Happiness should only be genuine and real. It shouldn’t be forced or faked. So if you’re feeling burdened or lost or sad.. feel it deeply and experience it. It’s healthy. Only when you feel it completely will you move on from that emotion and experience happiness or any other emotion. Don’t be burdened by your previous emotions. Feel them and move on. You don’t always always have to put up a brave front or a happy face, it’s humanly not possible. Don’t bottle them up or push it till a point where it all bursts out in a bad way. It’s unhealthy and damaging. Feel it, process it and let it pass. Cope with it and you’ll come out of it.

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A hot mess!

Once a person betrays you, what’s your first thought that comes to your head? “never trusting that person again!” now that’s what I’ve been debating in my head since quite sometime.
I know people make mistakes and it’s always healthy to forgive and not hold any grudges. Christianity teaches us the same thing, forgive others as your sins are also forgiven. So how do you find it in your heart to forgive someone who hurt you knowing the consequences.  To be honest it would seem a little deliberate. There comes a point when you can’t keep overlooking the mistakes of that person giving him the benefit of doubt that it wasn’t intentional. But when that becomes a pattern, what could be the conclusion then?
After logically thinking ( and then overthinking) and having a few sleepless nights I finally felt at peace with this thought.
One should always be conscious of the intentions of the other person.
You can’t always give the other person the benefit of doubt that it’s her insecurities  and it wasn’t  intentional. Because at some point it starts defining you.. and if you never bothered to change those things it will seep into your nature and then they no longer are just your insecurities acting up but that is just how you are.
One needs to be around people who teach them, uplifts them and grows them. Not drain them out.
Don’t let other people drag you into their mess when it’s not for you to be in. The one who creates the mess should be the one dealing with them as well.
A person who wants to be in a mess will continue being in it till they themselves are convinced to sort it out and set things straight. Otherwise from every mess they create, there will be more mess coming forth from it. It’s a never-ending process.

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Scared of being burnt?

I experienced vulnerability. You came in and turned it all upside down. The chaos was swallowed by calmness. Confusion turned into utter comfort and security. Nothing seemed impossible. You made me wonder what it would be like to call someone ‘my own’. The days seemed shorter and time passed faster, with you around it all made sense. You opened up a lot of closed doors only to make me realize it’s still worth the vulnerability and hurt. Everything was brighter and it didn’t feel so empty and shallow. But days passed by and you seemed distant. There were secrets untold and insecurity unleashed. I struggled not to let the nightmare turn into reality. If you were so scared of being burnt by fire why did you ever come enough to risk it?

An accidental turnover.

It seems like it’s been ages since I last wrote. To be honest it seems like is been ages since I last have a thought cross my mind. The past one month has been so precious. I learnt so much through the situations and circumstances. The things I took for granted… all of a sudden seem so much more valuable now. I stayed in a different town shifted four different houses and managed with the limited financial resource that I had. To top it all off had a few panic attacks here and there and almost slipped into depression twice.

Now wonder why I call it precious?

Simply because when I say I had limited financial resource… One would image inconvenience, when I said no home as such. One would imagine discomfort but I didn’t really slip into any sort of inconvenience or discomfort. I was alone but didn’t feel all that lonely. I got carried away by a lot of things and almost slipped into depression because of it. I said ‘almost’. If I may say, I sinned but didn’t feel like a sinner for too long ( I was reminded of forgiveness). Things became tough emotionally, practically and mentally.

There were times when I just wanted to give up everything I had planned and just return back to my room. Every time I felt depressed and anxious I went down on my knees and cried. I felt helpless and defeated. I cried till I was exhausted by my emotions as I couldn’t control them. Though I thought it was impossible and I was lost.. He found me. I suddenly couldn’t understand how but I had enough courage to face the challenges and people who were like Goliath in my head. I wouldn’t say that suddenly everything started making sense and things started working out but you know eventually they did work out.

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The house which I once considered “small and useless” suddenly seemed like ‘a home’, the family which I once considered “dysfunctional” seemed like “my people” I really can’t live without. Money, which was always so important and inseparable doesn’t seem all that important to me anymore. Only when I was snatched away from these things by circumstances, did I realize the worth of these blessed I never really considered a “blessing”.

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Killer or the prey?

Sometimes it feels like ‘what’s the point of it all?’ Who cares if i run away or stand tall? I am just a mere creature fighting for a place. Who cares if I stay aloof and distant? I am going back to dirt anyway. Sure, life is full of struggles but, come what may, don’t fall prey to the insidious lust of this fallen world. You think you’re safe and, you say security is your best friend? Hah! You naive innocent little soul, you won’t remain the same way. I was told, this world is how you see it through the eyes of your perception but I’m actually just blinded by the materialistic interactions. I’m mad at the world around me, don’t take me wrong but I blame you all equally. You converted the naive to be the killer. Oh please sit with the stinking soul in front of the mirror! Stare! Stare right through it only to realise, you’re the reason why they won’t kneel down anymore and pray.

Change is ineluctable

In one of my recent conversation with a friend, I heard her say “I don’t want to change but I want to grow”

Now what confuses me is how can one grow but not change?

I personally feel in order to be open and willing to grow.. one needs to be willing to change. You can’t stay the same and grow as the same time. Situations will change you, mold you and grow you into the person you are supposed to be. Unless you’re willing to let go of your old habit, your old self, how do you expect to gain new experiences and a new outlook in life?

Open your mind to new possibilities and be welcoming enough to let the unknown be unleashed onto our destiny. Take everything that comes your way as a lesson or a blessing and use it all for the betterment of your own self. Life is meant to take you from one phase to another. If your hands are already full, how will you receive more?  You can’t. You need to create some space in your hands to receive something new. something more. In order to do that, you need to let go of the old things occupying the space in your hand. Change is inevitable. You can either be ignorant and resent it or accept it and be open enough to let it grow you. The choice is yours.

 

The dusted hope of a resilent mind.

The deserted hopes, dead and buried.

The ever crawling darkness, lingering,

To find a place in something ‘surrendered’,

Wheat’s the meaning of it all, I wonder.

 

Each time I let go the vulnerability kicks in

More room for sin, than I can imagine!

What’s the meaning of love and hurt?

Don’t let it bud, kick it to the curb!

 

Wandering abandoned from one place to another,

Unsure of how long I can run away further.

“Bring me back to life!” the soul cries out,

But it’s like an unquenchable thirst in the drought.

 

Will I ever find a place call ‘home’?

Will I ever find a hope to lean on?

Will that ray of light shine through darkness someday?

“Shun it, mute it, keep that thought at bay!”

Rebecca Banwar

Be careful what you wish for.

Be careful what you wish
for.

I was once alarmed by someone wise saying,

“Dont run behind things that are not meant for you
you.”

And I thought to myself

“unless I have it I wouldn’t really know that”

Life teaches us so many things as we journey towards out destiny. It’s up to us  to learn from it or just nudge it off. These small lessons I never leant by just hearing someone say it. To actually grasp the true meaning on the opening line of this blog I had to experience it to truly learn it. I was adamant to leave my house.. come what may. Once I got the job and everything was almost settled I realised..I don’t need this. The practicality of my wish was not ideal.
I’m glad to have realised it before it was too late. Before I stepped into it I was pulled back by my own conscience and logic. I’m glad to be heading back home and learning this lesson.
Sometimes you don’t need what you’ve always wanted because what you wanted was not what you really need.